What Was & What Is
by trunks111
Summary: Sequel to the alternate ending of What Is & Could Be. Obito survived and was institutionalized. He's being let out, on a few conditions of course. Will he finally have moved passed his want of death? Can he live? Does Kakashi still care? Can Kakashi even save him? What happened to Kakashi? He was, afterall, the one who had found Obito after. KakashiObito. Shonen-ai.
1. Thoughts

Obito sat, staring hard at the blank piece of paper in front of him. Contemplating what to write this time. He had been staring at the paper for over an hour. Finally, it came to him. Picking up his pencil, he began to write.

'Four years ago,  
>My pitiful life took a turn.<br>Unexpected, unprecedented, and unbelievable.  
>It wasn't supposed to go as it did.<br>I am not supposed to be alive any longer,  
>However, the gods decided to torment me further.<br>I live, if you can call this such.  
>Tomorrow, they release me,<br>to University where I will still have one mandatory session a week...  
>I agreed, if only because I need to get out.<br>Four years ago,  
>There was a boy who saved me.<br>He sent me letters for the first few months...,  
>I kept all of them but never replied...<br>I was so bitter for what he had done to me.  
>I still am.<br>But the words I wrote in my note to him,  
>They hold true still.<br>Maybe,  
>He's still out there, waiting for me.<br>But could he love me?  
>This scarred, broken shell?<br>Does he even remember me?  
>Do I want him to?'<p>

With a grunt he closed the notebook. An orderly had knocked on the door.

"Meds time." the cheerful man said, handing Obito a small paper cup and a bigger plastic one filled with water. He accepted both, downing them, and handing them back. He opened his mouth, lifted his tongue, and all to prove he had truly swallowed his pills.

The orderly thanked him and left. Obito sat back down. Everything he needed was packed. He would be moving out tomorrow and into his new dorm room, with a roommate. No one, except select staff of the University knew of his history. Of course, there was the matter of his scars. The one on his neck being the most blatant. The skin was much paler, raised slightly, and a jagged line across his throat. His arm had multiple horizontal scars as well. He was not permitted to hide his scars here, everyone had different scars, whether they were visible or not.

He wasn't known for his talking since that day he had woken to Kakashi. It was as if he had gone mute. However..., his writing always did his speaking for him. The shrinks would ask him a question and he would offer a cold, hard stare. Even when he was younger. He just guestered to his notebook, at first, they wouldn't give it to him. But as he said nothing, eventually they were forced to give in. He made progress, his writing expressing his feelings. They hoped his being mute would eventually cease, but it had not in the years he had been there.

He put on a very good show for them. Let them think he was better. He wasn't though. If someone took the time to look deep into his goggled eyes, they would see the death that haunted them. The darkness. The pain. The emptiness. He could play the game well, anyone could. He still wanted death, even after being denied so many times. It was all he had ever wanted. He knew this University buisiness would prove challenging, but all he was looking for was that one chance, to take that step that had been denied him.

But did he really? What about Kakashi? If they met again, would he even want to speak to him?  
>And if Kakashi didn't care, if he wanted Obito still - as anything, would he be able to stay for him? Would he truly even want to?<p>

Questions Obito couldn't answer. He wanted Kakashi..., he wanted to know him at least. And maybe, just maybe knowing him..., he would be able to stay. If he stayed on his meds..., went to classes, his therapy, and did everything as he was supposed to..., maybe.  
>Although..., life had never appealed to him. Any aspect of it. It was all so boring... The same things every day, no variation, no heart-pounding adventures.<p>

He laid in his bed, arms folded behind his head, gazing up at the ceiling. He was going to be out of this place, as he had dreamed for so long. He was going to leave. He would be on his own, mostly. Free to do as he pleased.

He rolled over, barely reaching and grabbing the notebook from the desk. He opened to a new page and began writing again.

'A life unwanted.  
>A future uncertain.<br>Hanging by a thread,  
>Weighed down by darkness,<br>Unable to see clearly.  
>Walking blindly into the unknown,<br>Flight or fail,  
>It cannot be stopped now.<br>Only time will tell what will become of me now.'

He mulled over his words, it all made sense, fit perfectly together. That didn't mean he liked it.

As his mind so often did, it drifted back, back to when he was fourteen, back to when he knew Kakashi Hatake.  
>Sitting in that bed in that room, with no one but Kakashi as company. Kakashi tried to talk to him, but Obito only stared at the bed. Kakashi visited him every day he stayed at the hospital, even though Obito never said a word. He would tell Obito of school, the weather, anything and everything. Still, Obito said nothing. And then the day came that was to be sent to the institution. Still, Obito had been silent. They had to pry his notebook from his hands. And even as he sat there, that first day, his lifeless eyes not shaking the head shrink. He said not a word, leaving the shrink to stare at him, though they asked questions, none of which he was keen to answer.<br>Then, letters from Kakashi arrived, He was permitted to read them and reply, if he spoke during his sessions. He did not speak. They gave him his notebook. And he wrote. So they released the letters, but he never responded to them. He never hated Kakashi. He resented him for what he had done. But still..., deep down, he knew, in his heart, he knew he loved Kakashi and that was why he had saved him. But even knowing that, it did not make the darkness ease. He still felt trapped, he still wanted death. Nothing..., nothing had changed.


	2. Meeting

In the morning, he dressed in plaid, orange and black, the long sleeves covering his scars and the too big garmet, hanging off his skinny frame. Black skinny jeans covered his legs, and his orange goggles were over his eyes. With his hair messily spiked, he put his messenger bag on and grabbed his one box that contained what was left of his life. The van was waiting for him. He left the building, his face stoic.  
>On the ride, one of the shrinks had accompanied them, so thye were trying to ask him questions about how he felt to be going, to finally have left. He answered , as usual, with a hard stare.<p>

He waited while the shrink did the last minute things before he could get his room and for the most part, be on his own.

Given his room key, Obito left the shrink there, walking to his new room. He found it and opened the door, revealing a simple room with two beds, a dressser, two nightstands, a closet, and a connected bathroom.  
>He wondered if his roommate would know about his history.<br>Probably not. One bed was already taken and few belongings were strewn about.

He unpacked his few things and adorned the bed with black sheets. Finished, he laid upon it and gazed at the ceiling. He briefly wondered who his roommate would be, but shrugged his shoulders, it didn't matter.  
>A walk about the grounds should do some good. He looked at the paper with his few classes for the semester, psyche, writing, and a basic math. He took the map with him.<p>

He saw few people on his walk, finding all of his classes and locating the fitness center. He walked around it, inspecting the various equipment and free weights. He even found their pull-up bars. He attempted one and could only get halfway. He glared up at it, he had lost his muscle. It was back to the beginning then. He stepped up with slight difficulty, and hung there for as long as he could, which sadly, wasn't long anymore.

He would come back when he was dressed properly. He found his way to the cafeteria which was mostly empty.

He only wondered what the next days would bring, silently walking back to his dorm room. It was still empty.  
>Laying upon his stomach, he grabbed his notebook from beside the bed. He flipped to a new page and began to write.<p>

'A new place.  
>The same feelings.<br>A want of death.  
>An unsurity.<br>A question unanswered.  
>Staring into the future,<br>I can only ask,  
>Will I make it?'<p>

He vaguely remembered hearing someone come in. He looked over and there he was.  
>Kakashi Hatake.<br>Tall, slender, masked, silver hair defying gravity. His back was to Obito. He was dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and a dark gray shirt.

"So..., they made you my roommate."

Obito said nothing, not that he would speak anyway, even to Kakashi.

He turned around.  
>His eyes, they were colder than Obito remembered.<p>

"They made you my roommate." He repeated himself, staring at Obito hard.

Obito said nothing, gazing back at him.

Kakashi strode over, and picked Obito up by the front of his shirt, holding him off the bed and above the ground.  
>They stared at each other wordlessly, Kakashi seething with anger and Obito appearing emotionless.<p>

"Do you know how many times I laid awake, thinking, wondering what had happened to you?"

"You were the closest thing I had to a friend!"  
>Obito stared at him, fighting back the tears he knew were coming.<p>

"Why did you never write back? Couldn't you tell how much I cared about you? Those words in your letter to me..., that was when I realized I had someone, something! And then, you wouldn't say a single word to me! You wouldn't even write to me!"

Tears silently flowed from his eyes as Obito gazed at Kakashi, as he felt his anger, as he realized how much he really did still care for him.

"Say something!" Kakashi growled, giving Obito a shake.  
>Obito only stared back at him.<p>

"A...are you mute?" Kakashi asked, somewhat shocked, and less angry.

Obito nodded.  
>"How much of it is voluntary?"<br>Obito shrugged.

Kakashi dropped him and walked to his own bed, running his fingers through his hair.  
>"Then communicate with me in whatever medium you can."<p>

With a sadness weighing over his heart, Obito picked up his notebook and wrote something, something for Kakashi.

'You saved me,  
>And I saved you.<br>Neither of us knew how much we needed it.  
>I think you needed saving more than I did,<br>You wanted it at least.  
>I left you with so much anger...,<br>I was filled with so much bitterness.  
>I was given tools to cope, and you were left alone.<br>The one person who ever cared, and I did that to you...  
>I wrote the truth, I always do.<br>For so long,  
>I hated you,<br>What you'd done...  
>Even then, my feelings, my real feelings<br>Never changed.  
>You were my light in the dark,<br>An unlikely, beautiful light.  
>Even now,<br>I'm afraid of what you could mean when my own mind is the enemy.  
>I saw then, what we could be,<br>It scared me then and it does now.  
>I couldask you dozens of questions but I don't think you know their answers any more than I.<br>You saved a life not worth saving,  
>A life I would have gladly thrown away.<br>And I am still a prisioner.  
>My feelings remain unchanged.'<p>

Obito ripped the page out and held it out to Kakashi. He took it after a moment.  
>Silence echoed as Kakashi read Obito's words.<p>

Kakashi finished reading it and the paper hung limply from his hands. The silver-haired male stared across the room at his black-haired former friend. Abruptly, he stood and left, taking the paper with him. Obito sat there, drawing his knees to his chest, and he stared at the carpet. He was so unsure of what to do. Torn between wants and what he knew. It was only his first day out. If he fucked up now..., they would throw him back in and likely not let him out for a long time.  
>He sat there unmoving for hours. Torn between what he wanted to do and what he knew he should. He felll asleep before Kakashi returned.<p> 


	3. Unchanged

In the morning, Kakashi still was not back. Obito shrugged and dressed himself in a pair of dark purple, nearly black, skinny jeans and pull-over hoody with Sora holding two Keyblades going into the door of light.  
>He picked up his iPod and looked through his things until he found the iTunes card they had given him. He would finally be able to update his music, quality time would be spent in the library.<p>

He popped his ear buds into his ears, cranking the music up louder than needed and began the walk to the library.

There were plenty of computers available so he chose one near the back. Unplugging his headphones from the iPod and into the computer, also connecting the iPod to the computer. He opened iTunes and logged in. After redeeming his code, he searched their expansive library of music.  
>He didn't have tons of money to use, so he had to spend it wisely. He listened, weighed, and decided. In the end of about three hours, he had purchased Louna, Yellowcard, Simple Plan, Sum 41, Good Charlotte, Rise Against, The Birthday Massacre, and Worm Is Green.<br>He synced his iPod and then began to browse the web as his iPod charged.

Eventually, he was simply staring at the screen, deep in thought.  
>Being mute, much of it was choice. He hadn't wanted to share with the shrinks. He could talk. And..., well, he would. He would talk to Kakashi as soon as he saw him again. Now that he was out, he could speak as freely as he wished. Except in sessions..., wouldn't do to undo everything he'd done now would it? He smirked slightly, reaching over and ejecting his iPod before packing all the cords away and replugging in his headphones. He logged out of iTunes and turned off the computer. He stood and stretched as he contemplated what song to listen to.<br>Try by Simple Plan.

He listened in silence, unmoving for a few seconds. He came back to himself and left the library. He wandered to the cafeteria, food sounded good. Hands in his pouch pocket, he walked and glanced around. It was spacious, it was about 1/3 full of students and maybe the occasional professor. No sign of Kakashi. He wondered where he was.  
>He heard her before he saw her. Rin. She was laughing and smiling amongst a group of composed of girls and boys. His eyes narrowed, but he kept walking towards the line, intent on getting food, eating, and leaving before she could spot him. He got himself two chicken sandwiches, two chocolate milks, and a side of mashed potatoes. He hoped it was good. It smelled good.<br>After paying with his ID, he found a far table near the doors and a trashcan. He unwrapped both sandwiches and combined them into one. With a grin, something akin to happiness, he picked it up and took a bite. It was even better than he remembered. Much tasty, very wow. He tried not to laugh and choke on his food when he thought that, attempting to calm himself. He finished his sandwich and was beginning on the mashed potatoes when it happened.

"So, they let you out already?"

He didn't need to look up to know who that cold voice belonged to.  
>"Well <em>freak<em>?"

He kept his eyes on his mashed potatoes, carefully taking another bite.  
>She slammed her hands on the table, the noise causing other students to look over. He ate another bite.<br>"I'm talking to you, you emo little bitch!"

Her voice had risen, this time, a few students had migrated over to watch.  
>He said nothing, ignoring her, focused on his food.<p>

But then, there was another loud by nature, female voice.  
>"Lay off him Rin! He doesn't need your shit. None of us do. Now, why don't you be a good girl and go fuck some guy?"<p>

Obito nearly choked with laughter, he knew who that voice belonged to. The most outspoken female at the school. Anko Mitarashi. They had never been friends, but she was always at least nice to him.  
>Rin huffed and then she was gone and someone sat semi-close to him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the tan of a trench coat and knew it was Anko.<p>

"Sorry about her man. She's such a bitch. It's only gotten worse since we graduated middle school."

Obito just nodded, his food finally gone.  
>"You know..., Kakashi and I became friends after you went..., where you did. We became pretty close actually, not romantically of course. But..., your sudden appearance..., especially as his roommate, it's shaken him. I think he was finally getting over what happened and then for you to just show up like that that..."<p>

Obito looked over at her then, his scar visible.  
>"I didn't know he would be here or that we would be roommates. If he ever returns to our room, I want to talk to him. Really talk," Obito said all of this quietly, not even looking at her in the eyes.<br>"Thank you...," he muttered before he got up and left the cafeteria.

Anko was left staring after him. Kakashi had said he was mute..., that was part of the reason she had come over. She sent a text to Kakashi and then left the cafeteria as well.

When he got back to the room he remembered.  
>"Shit...," he muttered, and rooted further through his things.<br>He found them, his meds, he popped one out and went to the vending machine down the hall. He purchased a Sprite and drank it and down the pill. He had almost forgotten...

With a shrug, he finished the soda and threw away the can. With any luck, Kakashi would be back soon. And they could do some serious talking. And Obito had some serious talking to do with those who had put him in a room with Kakashi.

He laid on the bed, opening his notebook to a new page and he began, once more, to write.

'Years have passed...,  
>But nothing has changed.<br>Sure, I am older,  
>But on the inside,<br>I am the same as I was all those years before.  
>Did I expect different?<br>I guess, on a level, I did.  
>I hoped I wouldn't be this broken mess anymore.<br>I hoped that I could be fixed.  
>I am the same now,<br>As I was then.  
>Only one question remains,<br>Will I ever change?'


	4. Unexpected

He laid on his bed, arms folded behind his head, thinking.  
>'I really did think I would be different by now. Maybe I am, I mean they wouldn't have let me out if I wasn't at least somewhat better, right?' He thought harder about his time in the institution, about the psychiatrists, the group therapies.<br>'Maybe..., maybe I am different, but not in the way I or they hoped. I don't feel like taking a knife to my throat again, at least, not right now. Maybe that's a sign of being better? I mean, years ago, when they first admitted me, that's all I was waiting for. One of them to slip up, leave a pen, pencil, paper clip, thumb tack, anything that was even vaguely sharp enough to make me bleed. I craved that feeling. Now..., I..., I guess I don't really. At least not consciously. I mean there is still that part of me that wants to die. And I guess that will always be there, but it's not like..., screaming at me like it did before. And sure, speaking to Kakashi, and I mean, really speaking to him does make my heart race close to like having an axiety attack, but I'm not outwardly freaking. It's like..., like I'm finally in control.'

A small smile graced his pale lips as he gazed at the ceiling. Maybe he had changed...  
>Rolling over, he grabbed his notebook and began another poem.<p>

'I am not as I was,  
>I am different,<br>Not in the way I hoped,  
>Not in the way they hoped,<br>But still,  
>I have become someone new,<br>I only must ask if this person really who I wish to be.'

He stared at the paper blankly for a few minutes. Why was it always so strangely true? Everything he wrote. Now, if he could only write something about Kakashi. For himself. So that he could understand how he really felt about him, now that they had met again. He glanced towards the door, still shut, he glanced at his phone, nothing from anyone. With a shrug, he flipped to another page, more writing to do.

'Once, he was all I desired to have and be.  
>Minus the cold,<br>I wanted friends.  
>Even one,<br>While he left us all in the dust,  
>I the only that came close but never registered.<br>Until that day,  
>I didn't even think he knew I existed.<br>From that day, he made me his business.  
>He was the one who "saved" me.<br>I was angry,  
>So angry...<br>It wasn't until later I realized what a friend he'd been.  
>In my dying moments,<br>or rather what should have been them,  
>I saw only him.<br>How he followed me doggedly,  
>How he listened to me,<br>How he tried to figure me out.  
>It was then I realized how true my words to him in my letter were.<br>It was then I knew for sure.  
>I loved him.<br>I still do not know how he feels about me,  
>even after these years apart,<br>I know.  
>I love him still.'<p>

He sighed, rereading his words. It all made so much sense. He really did love Hatake Kakashi.  
>Telescope by Yellowcard began to play in his ears. He closed his eyes, stretching out on his bed, his stomach exposed. He thought nothing of it, his stomach showing, boxers visible slightly above his jeans. Listening to the song, floating so gently on Ryan Key's voice, he was relaxed, and was possibly on his way to a nap when he heard a loud female voice.<br>"Damn Kakashi, if I'd known you were gonna have such a great view when you walked in I woulda brought my camera."

Kakashi was likely glaring at Anko, and Obito merely opened his eyes, looking down at them.  
>"Hi guys," he smiled.<p>

Kakashi's mouth fell open and he stared at Obito. Anko glanced at her best friend then Obito.  
>"Well, let's just say be glad I'm a lesbian Obito, otherwse, I'd be all over that," she guestered to him then with a grin, left them, closing the door behind her.<p>

"So..., you can speak...," he said this quietly, as if, he was afraid Obito would suddenly clam up again.

"Yes..., I can. To the right people at least."  
>Obito finally moved, sitting up, his hoody falling down to cover him properly.<p>

Kakashi had a dark look on his face, not that Obito paid it any attention, the floor seeming suddenly very interesting.

"Why then, did you not speak before to me?"

"I-I was just as shocked as you were that I was your roommate. It all..., it all didn't seem real. I'd been in that place for so many years..., I really never thought they'd let me out," he confessed, still not daring a look at Kakashi.

Kakashi stared at him hard.  
>"I thought you hated me. I hated myself. I thought if I ever saw you again, you would kill me. Sometimes, I wanted to kill myself."<p>

Obito slowly looked up at Kakashi, his mouth hanging open.  
>Then Kakashi had Obito by the front of his hoody, straddling Obito's legs, which were over the side of the bed.<p>

"You! You made me feel that way! You were the reason for me feeling so fucking terrible! All I wanted to do was help you! The closest thing I had to a friend!"  
>Obito shrank away, and Kakashi just leaned closer, their eyes boring into each other. But then, something Obito did not expect under any circumstance, happened. Kakashi was kissing him, it was through his mask but he was kissing him so <em>hard<em>. Obito's back was pressed into the wall behind him, Kakashi was now straddling his lower body, and the mask had been tugged down, allowing Obito to kiss Kakashi fully on the lips. Kakashi even bit Obito's lower lip, but he did it too hard, which Obito thought was purposeful, it bled and hurt, but Kakashi still kissed him, his hands on Obito's chest, holding him against the wall.  
>When Kakashi finally came away, he was breathing hard and still, glaring at Obito.<p>

Obito on the other hand, was breathless and flushed, gazing at Kakashi with a question in his eyes. Kakashi's mask was back in place and he left the room without another word. Obito sat there, somewhat dazed. He wasn't sure what any of it meant.  
>'Kakashi...'<p> 


	5. Fleeting Happiness

Kakashi didn't return to their room that night. It worried him, but he figured he was staying with someone.  
>Obito laid in his bed, thinking. As much as things had changed, they were the same. He had glimpsed happiness, true... real..., lasting happiness. Despite whatever problems they would have to face, Kakashi was the one who made him feel that way.<br>But then..., it had come back. All of it. It swamped him. He smothered him in it's black depths, dragging him under, back to that bottomless pit of despair. He felt so wretched, all he wanted to do was find a knife of some kind and make just a little cut, bleed out some of the pain... Nothing had really happened to spark this even. Kakashi's sudden leaving, sure, but he had done that at least twice now. Nothing shocking really. This darkness though, it was familiar, it welcomed him back into its fold.  
>As he laid there, he felt himself slipping away. Slipping back into the dark of what would never be. Of what he couldn't be. Of every wrong he had ever dared make. He was drowning in the dark, losing his will to fight it, because afterall, wasn't it right? Wasn't he worthless and doomed to repeat all his past mistakes? The darkness weighed on him, heavily.<br>Everything was familar here... The darkness. The bleakness. The hopelessness of it all. How easy it would be to just give in. The scar on his throat was like a pack of directions. Just take a knife and drive it home. Kakashi wasn't there, and who knew when he would be back? He wouldn't save him twice..., would he? And even if he did, chances were, they'd just lock him up for good this time...  
>There was just so much sadness, so much rage. He was just so tired. What difference would it make if he were here or not? Nothing would change. The world had gone on without him while he was locked up. So dying now, nothing would change. Absently, he felt his scar. So many years..., but deep down, he still felt the same way. He could hide and pretend..., but nothing had really changed because nothing ever would. He would always want death, he would always be sad. It was still the same. No one and nothing could change the way he really felt.<br>It could be buried, sure, but eventually, it would erode. So what best to do, than end it now?

It felt as though he was floating, he could see himself laying on the bed far below. He was adrift in a sea of overwhelming sadness. It felt as though he was drowning but he didn't care that much. For if he drowned, he wouldn't feel anything else. He wouldn't be alive any longer to have to feel. He could do as he wished.  
>He had gotten out, but for what purpose? Was it this? Death? Or did he actually want to get out?<p>

Slowly, it came to him.  
>He had wanted to get out. Not for himself, but for Kakashi. For that boy, now a man, that had captured his heart. That was really all he had. All he wanted to have. He had tried and fought so hard, so that he could try to have a life with him. No other reason or thing, just him. But he was so tired of fighting it. So tired.<p>

It was obvious that Kakashi still felt something for him, even if he was unsure of what that feeling was or what it meant. Obito was sure Kakashi felt something for him. All he had to do..., was pull himself out of this and wait for Kakashi. He had to. No matter that he was so empty that nothing held his interest, he had to try, didn't he? For Kakashi.  
>Trying though..., maybe it was too much to ask? A small part of him wanted to..., but the bigger part just wanted to lie down and wait for it all to end. He was just so tired. Always tired. No matter how much rest he got, no matter how much he slept or relaxed, he was always tired. It wasn't a physical tiredness, it was a bone-weary exhaustion. It never went away completely, nor would it. It could be managed, but sometimes..., sometimes it did get the better of people. He had been fighting for years already. He was tired of fighting.<p>

Gazing at the closed door, he wondered again, what it would be like to die. He almost had that one time..., he had been close, he knew it. If it weren't for Kakashi, he would have died. As he had wanted.  
>Had Kakashi really saved him only for him to die a few years later?<p>

He wanted Kakashi though. In some part of him..., he had wanted Kakashi to save him. Maybe not in the way it had happened, but he had wanted him to regardless. Now though it seemed as though he needed to save Kakashi. It was his fault honestly, he needed to save him, just like Kakashi had needed to save him. They had both needed saving before and Kakashi had saved Obito but Obito hadn't saved Kakashi completely. It was his turn, but first, he had to stave off the darkness and save the man who had saved him.  
>He forced himself to get up and shower. Feeling much better after doing so, he dressed in dark jeans and his black and orange flannel. He wasn't sure where Kakashi would be. Maybe with Anko? He just didn't know how to get to her room.<p>

"Damn," he muttered, looking around.

Shrugging, he went to the library, hoping Kakashi might show up there or else he'd see him leaving somewhere. He sat at a table near the entrance, to watch for him. So far, he saw no one else.  
>He laid his upper half atop the table with a sigh. A great plan, but all great plans had their drawbacks...<p> 


End file.
